I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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