We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
