I smell stomach acid.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
