remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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