Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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