did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
