man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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