You can't motorboat a personality
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
