haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
