You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
