I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
