i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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