hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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