i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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