If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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