I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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