Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
