apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
