News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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