this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Is her dick bigger than yours?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
