I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
