drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
