My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
