I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
