have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
