Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
