i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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