The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
