i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
