A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
