I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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