i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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