he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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