I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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