i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I touched a dick in church today
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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