You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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