The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
