dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
