friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
