just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
