Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
