I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She swung at the pinata with crutches
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
