Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
this hospital has no fireball
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
