Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
