Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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