i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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