Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
