Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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