Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Randomize
