the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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