Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
