I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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