Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if i died would you start the facebook group?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
