are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Someone stole a lamp last night.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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