Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
