Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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