I accidentally burped into my bong.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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