The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
